Four Court Dates and an Adoption

The wildly popular podcast Serial got into the issue of how well people remember things around the time of a major event in their lives - where they were when it happened, what they remember from the day, etc.

I'm amazed at how un-climactic a day of a recent major event was for me, and how uneventful the day was. The day was slightly over a week ago and I honestly do not remember much about the day.

The day in question was the day the adoption of our daughter was granted, who had been living with us for nearly 9 months.

I've thought about writing about the entire adoption process, but that would be a boring blog to read - to be honest, I'm not sure focusing on four court dates will be any more riveting, but at least it's a shorter read.

We weren't supposed to have 4 court dates, not the way it was presented to us by other adopters and social workers. '2 or 3 minutes' they said; all that would happen would be the Sheriff (Judge, for those in the US) would grant the adoption and we'd be done with it.

Court Date 1:

The day before our first court date, our Solicitor (Lawyer, for those in the US) emailed us to tell us that there would likely be a 2nd court date. Our solicitor couldn't locate the birth mother of our kid.

There are 2 steps to the legal process - relinquishing parental rights from the birth parents, then granting the adoption to the new parents. In some cases, the first step is done before adoptive parents are even found, but ours wasn't one of those cases. We technically were parenting the child whose legal guardian couldn't be found by our solicitor.

In court, our solicitor didn't seem like the brightest of the bunch. The Sheriff pointed out that there was a difference between the solicitor not locating the birth parent, and the birth parent being impossible to find. Our solicitor hadn't tried too hard to find the birth mother, so the Sheriff told our solicitor how to do their job, and gave a list of possible ways to locate the birth mother. We had a different solicitor (from the same agency) for the remainder of the process and I haven't seen this solicitor since.

A 2nd court date was set. We went home.

Court Date 2:

The Courthouse on Court Date 2

We went into Court Date 2 feeling pretty confident. The birth mother had been located and she had been served papers notifying her that she would lose the rights to the kid, and was told when and where the court date was going to be, should she want to oppose this. No one had heard from her, or a solicitor representing her, by the morning we took the taxi to court. 

We took the kid with us (as we did the first time), took pictures of us in the taxi, pictures of the kid walking around the courthouse, went into the courtroom feeling pretty good that this would be it.

It wasn't.

There was a letter that was sent directly to the Sheriff, that was received the afternoon before. The letter stated that the court time was too early for the birth mother to be there, her circumstances had changed, and that she wanted her baby back. 

We were floored. We didn't see this coming at all. The birth mother chose to gave up her kid before the kid was born, and had never been responsible for the child. Now, over two years later, she wanted her baby back?!?!

We had met the birth mother shortly before bringing the kid home with us. As the letter was read, the one thing that went through my mind was that the woman we met did not write that letter. The woman we met couldn't seem to speak in more than a couple-word sentences and here was this well-written letter. The letter never mentioned any names; not the kid, not the birth mother. To top it off, it was written on the back of the notice that was sent from the Sheriff notifying her about the court date.

I don't think the birth mother wrote that letter. No one can ever make me think otherwise.

Her circumstances had changed. She had a new partner now, and I think he wrote that letter, or they went to some sort of advice place and an advice person wrote down what such a letter should look like, and that written suggestion was sent to court. If you really wanted your kid back, why would you not say the kid's name in the letter? Why wouldn't you even sign off at the end of the letter.

In light of the letter, the Sheriff had to set a new court date. It was set at a later time of day, to give the birth mother a chance to get to court. We would have to wait 4 more weeks with our lives in limbo.

Between Court Date 2 and Court Date 3:

It's hard when you think that a kid, who you're raising as your own, could be taken away from you.

We read horror stories of kids taken away from their adoptive parents - reading stuff online is never good in times of stress.

Everyone said the birth mother had no case and everything would work out - it would be a question of when, and not if, it would happen. It's one thing to hear this, and even think it. It's another to live it. Hearing this didn't make me feel any better. 

I lost a lot of sleep after Court Date 2.

I felt like every conversation I had over those 4 weeks would, at some point, circle to the adoption court dates, and the possible outcomes.

It was hard to even play with the kid, with that in the back of my head all the time. Just the other day, I was talking to Lauren about it, and she said it was going from feeling like you are the kid's parent to be the kid's foster carer. Not that you love the kid any less, but thoughts of seeing your long-term future with the kid seem to fade. You focus more on the day-to-day.

As Court Date 3 approached, I was very nervous. It was this part of my Adoption Leave that I really wished I could be going to work everyday, as a distraction.

We decided that Lauren and the kid would not got to Court Date 3. I would meet our solicitor and go in with her. The thought of the birth mother being there, and the kid being there, was something we didn't really want to experience.

Court Date 3:

I don't remember much of what happened before court on Court Date 3, or after for that matter. I know that I was home alone that morning because Lauren had taken the kid to the weekly library singalong that I usually go to with the kid.

I was nervous; I didn't know what to expect.

I got to court and our solicitor found me. She said the birth mother was here, with her partner, but didn't have a solicitor. Our solicitor predicted that the Sheriff would set a continuation hearing date, so the birth mother could have a solicitor with her at that time.

It was odd to be sitting across the table from this woman who I had met months earlier, who I had taken a picture with, who seemed not particularly upset that we were adopting her kid then, but now wanted the kid back. I didn't make eye contact.

The Sheriff asked her some questions. Questions she couldn't really answer: 'What is your hope in doing this?' is the one that stuck out. Her answer was that her hope was to get a solicitor - clearly not understanding the question. The question was asked twice more, with some clarification, before she gave an answer basically saying she was hoping to have the chance to get the kid back (again, no mention of the kid's name). 

The birth mother's partner was not allowed in the courtroom, and I would guess he would have done most of the talking, if he was in there. Our solicitor had talked to the both of them outside of the courtroom and described him as 'slick' - not really sure what she meant by that, but he did do all of the talking when she talked to them.

As predicted, the Sheriff set a continuation hearing date. Birth mother was told she would need to get legal advice, and was told by the Sheriff exactly where to go to find a solicitor who handled cases like this. Our solicitor again pointed out where they should go, once they were out of the building.

I left court feeling somewhat relieved. I won't go into much more detail of what happened in court but it was clear this was not a person who was able to take care of a child - she seemed to barely be able to take care of herself. 

I asked our solicitor what happened next. She said that, if birth mother and/or her solicitor showed up at the continuation hearing, there would a trial date set, where witnesses would be called and things would be settled then. That would be Court Date 5, but as the title of this post implies, that Court Date never happened….

Court Date 4:

The walk to court was awful. 

It wasn't raining when I left home, but I carried my rain jacket to be safe. Less than 5 minutes after leaving home, I was soaked. It was windy, the rain came at such an angle that no rain coat could have protected my face. 10 minutes after leaving home, I got under some cover and wrung rain water out of my trousers and watched it dribble onto the pavement beneath me. I thought about going back home, or calling Lauren and asking if she could go - as long as our solicitor was there, we didn't need to be.

I kept going.

When I got to court, 15 minutes early, I was completely rain-drenched. My torso was the only dry part of me. My sleeves got wet from rain going up my rain jacket sleeves, my face was wet, my legs were wet. I thought to myself, is this how I want to go into court? But what else could I do?

Our solicitor arrived 5 minutes later and said nothing of my soaked-ness. We talked about the rain, went through security, and went upstairs to where the courtrooms were.

Our solicitor had never heard anything from the birth mother's solicitor (if she had a solicitor). I asked her if this was normal. I'll never forget her response: 'Nothing in adoption cases is normal' 

We got to the outside of our courtroom. There was no one there. 

I was told I could go into the courtroom and wait. Our solicitor went to other courtrooms nearby to see if the birth mother and/or her solicitor where around somewhere.

She came back a couple of minutes later - she didn't see anyone. I started to get hopeful that things would be wrapped up.

The Sheriff came in, made mention that she picked this time so the birth mother could get here on time. She asked the court security guard (I would call him a bailiff, but I'm sure that's not the correct term) to go look for them in other courtrooms. 

He came back in a few minutes. He couldn't find them.

Adoption:

That was it. The Sheriff granted the adoption on the grounds that no one from the opposition came to court. 

She apologised to me for the delay, saying she wanted to cover all bases, should an appeal be lodged.

There was no grand moment, no tears of joy. It was done. We just had to wait a few weeks, because the birth mother had two weeks to appeal (as of this writing, we are still within those two weeks).

If no appeal is lodged, we'll be done with this in mid-January. If one is lodged, we will still likely be done with this very soon, because when you don't show up to court when you should, your appeal will almost certainly be dismissed.

Just after I left the court (of course the rain had stopped for my walk home), I called Lauren to tell her the news. She was happy.

I went to pick up our kid from nursery school - because of a bumped head at nursery that day, I had to sign a form acknowledging this. I gave the kid a big hug, and we walked home as we do every nursery day; kid eating the fruit snack I always bring for pick up. Kid walking very slowly, focusing on the snack instead of the walk home.

I don't remember anything of that afternoon. I was tired, as I usually am. Kid took a nap, as usual. We went to a grocery store, as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. 

That night, the kid got ice cream for adoption day. Kid didn't care much about Adoption Day, but was very excited for ice cream. Lauren recorded the ice cream excitement. We were all happy.

4 court dates and an adoption are done. We can now move on with our lives.