My Mother's Ghanaian Funeral

Today would have been my parents 36th wedding anniversary. I doubt that last year, on their 35th anniversary, either of them would have had any thought that I would be using the phrase "would have been" to describe their anniversary this year. I dedicate this post to my parents, Larry and Alberta, who made me the person I am, and the person I hope to be.....

In December 2002, my family went to Ghana. My mother had a big party to celebrate what I thought was her 54th birthday (it was actually her 60th, but that's for another blog). As the party was dying down, a little old lady said something to my mother that made her laugh. I found out later that the little old lady had said she hoped that when she died, my mother would host her funeral, because my mother knew how to throw a good party.

In Ghana, a good funeral is also a good party.

My mother died 5 months ago, when we had a funeral and burial for her in Maryland. A few weeks ago, we had her Ghana funeral.

I learned in March, when my mother's US funeral was going on, that Ghana funerals cover 3 days:

Saturday - We Bury

Sunday - We go to Church

Monday - We talk about the Money

"We" means the family; both immediate and extended, and in Ghana extended family is really extended.

We Bury

We were asked to take clippings of my mother's hair and nails to Ghana with us, to be buried in the family plot. This was put into a small coffin that my older sister, Affie, had arranged. As a family, we drove from Koforidua, where my sister lives, to Aseseeso, a small town that is the traditional family town of my mother, where the family plot is.

In the US, at funerals people tear up, a few people sob or cry, but for the most part, emotion is held in check. In Ghana, emotion runs high.

Women typically wail, loudly, screaming at how much they miss the departed, asking to go with them. I saw some of this at my mother's US funeral, but with only two Ghanaian relatives wailing, it just seemed odd.

While we were in Ghana, wailing had been going on, off an on, in the days leading up to the burial - when we arrived in Koforidua, in the morning before heading to Aseseeso, and when we arrived in Aseseeso. It got to a fever pitch, however, when the graveyard workers started to cover the coffin. It seemed that all the women were screaming, my older sister hurling herself at the grave, asking to go and be with my mother. She had to be physically restrained, otherwise I think she would have dove into the ground.

It was a lot more emotional for me than the crane that was used to put my mother's coffin into the ground in the US.

Men are not expected to show weakness, but me, my dad, and my uncle (who had really stressed being strong, and who had had a contentious relationship with my mother) were all in tears.

Within 30 minutes however, the mood had completely changed.

People were boisterous, hugging each other, smiling, and laughing. If an American had come onto the scene at this point, they would never have guessed that a burial had just taken place.

We got back to Koforidua in the early afternoon, where loud music was playing, tents and chairs had been set up, and a lot of people were coming to visit - and to party. My family sat in a row, shaking hands of visitors, who seemed to come in big groups - one group numbered about a hundred by my count. It was a lot of hand shaking of strangers, who may not have not even known my mother, and a lot of hand sanitizer use by me.

After greeting people for about an hour, the immediate family went into the house as the loud music went on outside. Between songs, people would take the microphone, announcing who they were and how much money they were donating to the family. This went on for about 5 hours, until it got dark.

The beauty of the "We Bury" day is the outfits. Everyone is wearing black, dark brown, or dark red; funeral cloth. It was really a sight to see all these people, very similarly dressed, marching through Aseseeso to the family gravesite, at the gravesite, and mingling afterward. I again was struck, like I often am when I go to Ghana, at just how much family I have, and how few of them I know.

Photos from the day by Alan Lew - more photos by Alan can be found here

We go to Church

On Church Day, we again wore similar outfits, but this time, they were white.

It was decided that a short memorial would be held at the church where my parents were married, 36 years ago. Because Ghanaian church services can go on for hours, we were told by one of the church's members when to get to the church. We were also told when we would be able to leave.

The church was huge, and packed. My family was asked to come up to the front, twice; the first time was for us to introduce ourselves and the second was for my dad to present a gift to the church.

The memorial was good at the church, although I liked the US memorial service better. The minister did not personally know my mother, so what he had to say didn't have the personal touch the minister in the US had.

After we were told we could leave, our family had many pictures taken in the yard of the church, with the minister, and with each other. Again, it was this big group of people, with similar outfits, almost all related to each other in some way or another. My dad was the gutsiest of all of the men in the group, wearing a traditional outfit - he looked better in it than I thought he would, to be honest. I still couldn't wear it though - one of the many reasons my dad will always be more African than me.

My family, after church

The afternoon of Church Day was almost identical to the afternoon of Bury Day - we sat and shook many hands, music was played, money was donated. I was actually persuaded to dance on Church Day, and the people who asked me were surprised at how quickly I took to the dance - I guess I got it from my mother.

The thing that stood out for me that afternoon had to do with one of my aunts.

My aunt is part of an organization/club that helps out each other, in times of need. A stream of women came in, almost all of them carrying food, or other products on their heads. One by one, they came in, to music, put down the item they were carrying, and started dancing in a circle. In the end, there was a lot of food and household items, with elegantly dressed women dancing around all of it. After the food was taken into the house, the women danced out, in line. It was beautiful.

My aunt's organization, dancing in

More money was donated to the family, and in the evening, the tents were taken down, the speakers taken away, and the party portion of the funeral was over.

We talk about the Money

All the money that was donated over the previous two days had to be divided up somehow.

The siblings of my mother, and Affie, argued about money on that morning, in addition to other things. I was not involved in this, and don't really know how it was settled. What I do know is that I heard a lot of yelling in the compound as I sat in my room. This lasted for a little over an hour, and then everyone seemed happy.

As the yelling stopped and the happiness started, Affie came in and got soft drinks for all of them. She told me she was giving them cold drinks, because they all needed to cool down after the heated argument.

I never have found out who got what. I hope Affie did not leave that meeting empty handed, because she arranged almost everything that weekend.

So the funeral was over, and life would soon get back to normal, at least as normal as it could be without my mother around.

During the weekend at some point, I happened to see the little old lady from 2002. I chuckled to myself when I saw her, remembering how much she had enjoyed my mother's birthday party, but was also saddened to know that my mother would never be able to host the little old lady's funeral, as she jokingly had hoped.

I thought to myself, would my mother have liked the funeral Affie had arranged for her? I had a one-word answer to myself - Yes.

My First Week in Edinburgh

I've now spent one week in Edinburgh. It's been a tough week, a fun week, an interesting week, filled with trying to understand people when they talk to me, dealing with weather like I've never seen before, weird navigation, and being hit in the face, again, by my inability to make friends, and a feeling of loneliness. This is going to be my home for the unforeseeable future and I'm excited, and scared.

Navigation

I was welcomed to Edinburgh by getting traffic ticket. The navigation device we had used to get from Oxford to Edinburgh told us to make a right turn, where we were not supposed to. I heard a car honk at me, and about 30 seconds later, saw the police car in my side mirror.

In the end, it was a small fine, and the cop was almost apologetic, blaming the GPS device as I had, but saying a camera had caught my error, and so he had to give me a ticket. I shook his hand, he gave me directions to where we were headed, and we were on our way. It was not the warmest of welcomes, but at least I can say I got to sit in the back of a cop car for the first time.

My navigation woes continued when I walked, and biked, through town over the next week.

Edinburgh is a two-level city. Some streets are at a lower level than others, and without looking at a map carefully, mistakes happen. I was trying to get from one place to another, on my second day here, and had planned to turn right at an intersection. When I got to the location of the intersection, I realized the intersecting street was a good 100 meters above me, essentially a bridge over the street I was on. I've had this problem happen a few times, because the maps I have do not make it obvious that one of the streets is a bridge.

I also saw there was a bike path below a street near our flat. It took me a few days to figure out how to get to it, but when I did, it was awesome. It's the peaceful way to get downtown, where you don't run the risk of getting hit by a bus (which almost happened to me). I did almost run into a couple of dogs on this path though, on my bike. One little dog was so excited to see my front tire, I had to slam on the brakes and jump off the bike to avoid running it over. It then decided to follow me, it's owners running after it, as it ran after me.

bike path under a street

My worst navigation mistake was turning right, instead of slight right, on a walk home. This took me to an industrial part of town, taking me an extra hour to get home (it takes nearly an hour, when I don't make any mistakes). To top this off, I had bought a shower curtain rod that day, was walking around Edinburgh neighborhoods with a 6-ft pole with me.

One of the added problems to navigation is the sheer number of people everywhere. It is festival month in Edinburgh and, according one source, the population of the city is tripled during August. Crowds are everywhere, and I'm never sure what side of the sidewalk I should be walking on, because so many of them want to walk on the right. I feel like you can tell who is a UK resident by what side of the sidewalk they walk on, but even then, some want to walk on the right.

Street performers downtown

Weather

I've heard many people use the phrase "give it a minute, it'll change", when talking about the weather in their city. In none of the cities where I've heard this said, have I literally experienced weather changes in a minute - in Edinburgh, I have; several times.

The first day I wandered into Old Town, I decided to sit in a park after the 45-minute walk. It was sunny, so I planned on sitting for about 20 minutes. In about 2 minutes, it wasn't sunny anymore, it was gray. A minute after that, it was raining. I got up to get out of the rain, but a minute later the rain stopped. A couple of minutes later, it was sunny again. The pattern looked like it was going to repeat itself about 5 minutes later, so I decided to just sit through the rain - this time, the rain went on and I eventually went to shelter, watching it rain for 20 minutes. A couple of minutes after the rain stopped, it the sun was out.

It's going to take me time to adjust to this kind of weather. I will have to carry an umbrella around with me, and I'm never sure how much layering of clothes I should go with - almost every time I've left home, I've been very cold, only to be really hot when I got back home. This is partly due to the walking/biking that warms me up, but I still feel like I never know how much warm clothing I should have with me.

I've been told that the weather doesn't change much during the year. I guess if weather changes so much in one day, overall yearly weather patterns might be a bit too much to handle.

Loneliness

I'm a hard person to get to know, so I don't make friends easily. In college, someone told me that when they met me, they found me very intimidating partly because I don't talk much, but also because of my hair, and the big Ghana flag I had hanging in my room scared them off a little.

I've never moved to place where I didn't have school or work lined up. Most people I know in my life, I've met through school or work. Coming here is different, and I worry that I won't meet any people who I don't meet through Lauren.

I'm not the kind of person to strike up a conversation with a stranger, so I think it's going to be tough. I've spent my first week here walking around town, talking to almost no one, and I think the thought of not getting to know people is what worries me most about this move.

I've had people ask if I was worried that I don't have a job lined up, or if I'll understand people when they talk to me. Neither of those worry me now that I'm here - Lauren has a job, and most of my family speaks with accents that a lot of people find hard to understand, so neither of those are major concerns. I don't like the idea though, of not knowing people in the city I live.

So my first week is over here. I've learned to carry a map and an umbrella with me at all times (though I've also learned to get through the day without either). If only there was a "social-Jefferson" I could carry around in my backpack. One who would help me get to know some cool Edinburghians? Edinburghites? I don't even know what they're called...

I See 'Em - Four!

I spent last week working with the Fourth International Conference on Ethnomathematics (ICEm-4). My dad hosted it, and I volunteered to help out.

I was mainly involved in two things - registration and technology.

Registration

Many of the attendees were not from the US, so they could not get checks very easily to pay for the conference. This meant they had to pay cash. Paying hundreds of dollars in cash, in a foreign country, could not have been the easiest thing for them. They would have to find an ATM, hope it would work for them, and would allow them to pull out enough money to pay for their bills, then get that cash to me.

I ended up handling about $13,000 in cash, which I had to take to the bank on the last day of the conference; this was kind of a scary thing to do - I've never held that much cash.

Of course there were the glitches with registration; people wanted to stay longer than we had thought, or shorter, or came later or earlier than expected. All this affected how much money they owed. There were also name tags that went missing, receipts that were not good enough (which my dad dealt with, not me), and other requests of verification of attendance at the conference.

Most things were resolved by Wednesday, the fourth day of the conference, but Sunday and Monday were spent running around, with a piece of paper listing who owed what, and me constantly jotting down random things on my iPod touch to make sure everyone had what they were supposed to have and that everyone was kept happy.

All in all, I didn't have too many problems with the administrative side of things. Technology, on the other hand, had more glitches.

Technology

Initially, the only technology I knew I would dealing with, was setting up a Skype connection to Portugal, on the Wednesday of the conference. I had gone to the room where this was going to happen the week before, and checked the sound and projection hookup, as well as the internet hookup. It all checked out fine. I didn't expect many other tech issues, but of course, they came up.

The big tech problem of the first day, was video recording. I had agreed to record each plenary talk, which kicked off each day. On the first day, I had thought about audio (I made the speaker use a microphone, so my flip camera would pick up the sound), and found a good location for the camera. It never occurred to me though, to find a place to put the camera on. I spent an hour that morning, trying to sit as still as possible, holding my camera - my arms got very tired that morning.

I had decided to carry my computer to the conference every day, just in case someone wanted to use it. I have a mac mini, not a laptop. It's about the size and weight of a laptop, but has no screen. I was amazed at how few people (including the tech workers at the conference site) had never seen one before.

Set-up problems were relatively minor; there were a couple people who didn't seem to want my help, when they clearly needed it; people who didn't feel comfortable using a mac (completely understandable).

An odd problem that came up was from a person who was using one of those notepad computers, which have screens that can be flipped and then written on. For some reason, her screen got stuck in "writing" mode, so it was rotated by 90-degrees. Neither I nor a tech guy who was working in the facility had ever seen this problem before. In addition, the computer user was Greek, and all the instructions were in Greek. The tech guy and I looked at it and both said the obvious line, which I will not repeat here.

The biggest tech issue that came up (and is still somewhat of an issue) was that of posting power point slides and videos online.

On the first day, at the first talk, someone in the audience asked the speaker if the power point could be posted somewhere. The speaker said they had no idea how to do this. I felt like everyone then turned to look at me, like in a movie, or a dream. I said I would put power points online, if they were emailed to me.

Then the emails started coming; "I can't send the attachment, it's too big". I kind of felt that if it was too big to send to me, it would probably be too big to post online, but I did get some flash drives from people, and shrunk their slides. At the time of this writing, I've posted 27 presentations, and expect to post more.

Posting videos is tough. We live in a youtube world, where a lot of people think you can post any videos you want on youtube. Well, you can't post 2-gig videos on youtube, I'll tell you that much. I had to find a website that would host large videos, and had to do some work reducing the file size of the videos. In the end, I found a site, but have not had time to reduce the sizes of the videos.

I worked conferences for a couple summers while I was in college, and I worked this one last week. I really like working conferences - I like the cool people you meet, and the uncool people you'll never have to see again. Given the chance, I would gladly do this kind of job full-time, but we'll see what happens when I get to Edinburgh.

I'm moving tomorrow - traveling to Ghana for a week, Oxford for a week, then up to Edinburgh. My last week in Towson was spent working on ICEm-4. I can see my end in Towson, I can see my start in Edinburgh, and I can see the 2 places I'm going to be in between. I see 'em - 4.